We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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