Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
