So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think your dad took our porno
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
