can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
