I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
