The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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