Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
