Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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