It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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