Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
