I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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