I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
