Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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