I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
