I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
