I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
