theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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