the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
