you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
