I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
