I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
