Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
