bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
