hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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