When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
