it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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