dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
