Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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