Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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