I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i have herpe
just one?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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