Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
