Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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