So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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