i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
