barbara walters just said penis...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
