Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
