I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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