I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
