sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
