I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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