he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
