I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
