I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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