tell your sister to shave her snatch
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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