Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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