I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
