i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
