Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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