I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
