Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is my gift to your gina
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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