I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
